First off, I'm here for volunteering. It's my #1 priority and no guy is ever going to get in the way. I DO NOT want a serious relationship, I'm not looking for it. But, if I meet someone so amazing, and my feelings are uncontrollable, then that's a whole different love story, I'd go for it.
A tiny story before I begin my real story, last year in India, I was leaving Rishikesh on an hour bus ride to Haridwar to catch an overnight bus out of India to Nepal. I got to the bus stand and the public bus was already leaving, I ran after it and yelled for it to stop. I got on and walked to the back and there I found another sole traveler...a Portuguese. After 10 minutes of talking, instant attraction, I thought to myself hmm...maybe. One great hour of laughing and not wasting a minute had passed, we arrived in Haridwar, I had a couple hours to get to my bus and he had a few for his train to Delhi and Goa onwards. We had little time for tea and I had to leave. Honestly...there was chemistry, we both felt it (I know this because he told me). He kissed me on the cheek and we exchanged emails. Karma baby. If my Indian visa needn't to expire, I would've ran away with him to Goa after knowing him for one hour. See?? I can be romantic!
Ahem...as proof that my work is so important and not here for bootay, I didn't have es-ee-ex in one year. I know (staring at the ground) I know...I know. Don't feel sorry for me just yet, the seal is finally broken, frustration won.
I have been unattached for 3 years because of my dream volunteer trip. More than half of the guys I dated wanted a committed relationship. Results: being a heartbreaker. I have never been dumped before and someone once told me that it will happen one day, everyone will know what it's like to have a broken heart (egh). I admit I have a fear of commitment, maybe from being hurt or falling in love. Either way, my purpose being in Asia is my boyfriend, my relationship, my love.
Now I'll share my actual love story. I met a guy over a month ago for 2 seconds at a music performance. Let's call him Smirnoff. I was with my friend Paul, after the show we were about to leave when Smirnoff came to talk to Paul. They were talking and I was standing near them, I saw him and there was something interesting. The way he spoke and how he glanced at me a few times, was HOT. Then Paul finally introduced us after their conversation, Smirnoff and I shook hands, and didn't take our eyes off each other until I turned around and left. I wanted to know what he was about but I walked away (damn!). I woke up the next morning thinking about him, in my mind I was like 'oh well, never going to see him again.' I told another friend (Hi Cheeky!) that I saw a cute guy the night before, she asked me to describe him and what his name was. It turns out that he's HER EX-BOYFRIEND! Good thing that conversation was all through instant messaging, she didn't get to see my mortified face! I apologized profusely, I felt so dirty, and almost Denise Richards. But she said it was all fine and they are good friends now, she actually messaged him that I was interested and gave him my mobile number. I was back in high school all of a sudden. So he met up with me at a coffee shop where I was working, it was really awkward because it felt like we were forced to meet up. The meeting went fine, but I felt like nothing was there, and as he was leaving, he stuck out his hand for a handshake....a handshake! That hurt my ego.
I didn't talk to him for a week and I was surprised to receive his text before the weekend. We met up and hung out in the afternoon. He's a smart man, very mature, and very interesting. I was intrigued by him, it kept me wanting to talk to him more. We got into a deep conversation about what we wanted in the next few months. I was going to do my own thing and follow where my next job will be. It can be in Laos, middle of Vietnam, or Saigon, wherever. He was going to Danang (middle Vietnam) and continue teaching English. I thought there and then, that we were on the same page; it will never work out, what's the point? (I was not going to adjust my plans for anyone).
We continued to see each other, not much though, he and I were very busy, especially him. Anyhow, I'm a 'go with the flow' type of dater. But Smirnoff...was committed to having me, he moved quickly, physically and mentally (I was not). He told me to run away with him to Danang (whoa). When he said that, I think I did the whole nervous chuckle and fake smile, did he think I was The One for him or something? He kept telling me how beautiful I was, the perfect type of woman for him, etc. It freaked me out. I'm not a girly girl, I think like a guy. I'm always the guy in the relationship, my past 2 serious relationships I was the one that wanted to avoid being serious, the one to be yelled at for not 'appreciating' or showing enough 'affection.' I got bitched at a lot and I was always like 'oh my god, shut up, stop complaining!' I'm not going to change, possibly someday someone can change that (pffff). So yeah, it was too soon for me to hear all that. It was hard for me to believe what he was saying because we didn't know each other. I didn't feel the same, he managed to convince me that he knew me and what I was all about, but I didn't know him.
If he slowed down...a lot, it would have been great. But friday night at dinner I told him that I didn't think I could handle having a partner right now. (I think I said it too bluntly, I know I need to work on the way I speak my words, it always sounds too harsh). He playfully threw his crumbled napkin at me and said he hated me. It was hard looking into his silent smiling eyes. We ended the night (Vietnam's Liberation Holiday) with a walk around a park, watching fireworks, deep conversing, and smooching. I couldn't stop thinking that he would have adjusted his plans for me, he would have moved to wherever I was going. I wasn't ready for that. I thought that if I was able to have a serious relationship, the guy would have to be doing what I was doing (volunteer, expat, etc.), someone who understands and respects my priorities. Smirnoff was doing that, he can teach English wherever he wants, apparently I couldn't hack it. He came over the next morning and brought me a gift. He got me a bottled beer (aww, he knew I liked beer) and a small sketch book, with a coal pencil and eraser. I was surprised by the gift. I rejected him and he gave me gift. Guilty much? Same day, that afternoon, I received a text that he was okay with having a friendship and not continuing any further. I appreciate him taking this maturely and not dramatically. Sometimes I feel like I do want to be with him, but if my feelings or attraction aren't moving deeper, then I'm just wasting both of our times. Or maybe my dreams and goals are preventing me from having a partner. That's okay I guess.
Chasing Dreams.
'I can't fight this feeling anymore' by Reo Speedwagon is literally playing inside the cafe as I'm writing this, no joke, and no it's not Smirnoff holding up a boombox over his head.
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