sleeping to dream

Spiders, sharks, motor accidents, and losing people I love. Some things I am afraid of. But now I have this annoying habit that seems impossible to get rid of, and I can only worry more if it gets worse...

When I was in Europe for 9 months in 2004, traveling through 15 countries and 160 cities (so imagine how many hostels I've slept in). I developed a sleeping habit of waking up abruptly, kind of scared, took a minute to realize which country I was in and why I was there. I'd wake up and think "where am I?" A minute is a long time to think which country I'm in! I was completely clueless. That habit eventually faded when I went back to America.

The past few months that habit is creeping back again, but more fearful and almost violent. I'd wake up with a big kick (as if I was falling in my dream) in the middle of the night and I would be really really scared. I'll look around my room and still be confused on where I was. I'd think "Am I in India?" Then slowly I would remember that I am in my house, Hanoi, Vietnam. Lately, I'd wake up and think I'm in Los Angeles, that I was sleeping in my old apartment, and this was all a dream. Everything...Nepal, India, Vietnam...the past 1.5 year was all a dream. I was dreaming the best dream I ever had and it never actually happened, I'm in reality. I told my brother this problem via skype and he said "Mei, if this is a dream, then I would be dreaming too."

It's a realization that I am living my dream and I fully understand now how important this trip means to me. How precious time is. I'm going to be 28 years old. How long can I keep this dream going for?

Currently in Hanoi

So far so good in Vietnam. I moved into an awesome house in Westlake with really cool housemates, and a great view of banana tree farms. Started teaching over a month ago and I love my students. Graphic work is going well, I'm enjoying the projects I have been working on. Also doing separate design projects on the side to make more money.

I recently responded to an ad I found on the internet. It needed volunteers to teach English to a high school outside of Hanoi, Thach That district. I visited the school a few weeks ago to understand their knowledge of English. I found out during my visit that I was the only person that responded to the ad and was willing to travel 1 hour to the school and help out. The teacher that was organizing this program desperately needed my help. After all this time being in Asia, I am ready to take on this program. I've met with the director and principal of the school and they agreed that I can take charge. So I'm facilitating! (for free) But at the same time, I'm doing this alone. Teaching 4 classes with a total of 250 teenagers isn't easy. I definitely need to find some foreigners interested in doing this. Anyways, this morning was the first day of teaching. I woke up at 5:20am (ughhhh) and got to the school at 7am. Wow...it was really tough getting the kids to say Hi or Hello. I knew it would be difficult for the kids to speak cause I know they're shy, and most likely embarassed to speak in front of me. It was frustrating because a lot of them were lazy, like ALL teenagers, but I know they have potential. This will be a good challenge for me.

Phung Xa Commune School

The school I'm teaching in Hanoi is great! The students I teach are 8-14 years old. I have been asked to teach at other schools for more pay, but I refused cause I was already attached to my students. I didn't want to leave them. They're so clever. For example, I was teaching them what strange and normal meant. I drew a picture of the sea on the board, they called out that fish, shells, coral, and sharks were normal in the sea. Then I drew rabbits, horses, and ants, and they all said it was strange. After I drew a car with a person driving in it, all said it was strange but one boy, he said "Normal!" I gave him a confused look and I asked why? He said "...in the future." Come on! Isn't that cute!

Hanoi School.

Because I'm taking on so many great projects, I'm not even sure if I'm doing too much. I barely have any free time, I'm always tired. BUT!!! I like it. I'd rather be busy than not. I am doing what I came here to do, was work. My work is important...and I'm doing it, I'm happy. I like that I can still do voluntary work while I'm here. It keeps my mind in-check.

In one month, my parents are coming to visit me. :))))

Anything you can spare...

Friends & Family,

If you have the time please take a look at this website. I volunteered at one of their hostels in Kathmandu, Nepal, and taught English at the lama care center. They have another school located in Kailash, which is on the border of Nepal and Tibet. They're in need of sponsorships or donation. Currently, they are afraid that they will not be able to continue all 3 schools because of insufficient funds. It would also be helpful if any of you could spread this message around. Thanks.

Limi orphans, took them swimming, they never went swimming before.

Lama care center.

If you're interested in volunteering or knowing about their projects, please contact: kailashzone@gmail.com

www.kailashzone.org

D'sLG

I think my dream came true. In my previous post, I wrote about a dream I had of my father. I had dreams about my family before, but this dream was so surreal, that it got our father-daughter relationship on the dot.

Growing up, I was a stupid kid. I did stupid shit: I stole, I lied, I was careless, hung around with the wrong crowd, I got into fights, I was horrible in school...I guess you can say a normal kid. My parents did the best they could to help me find the right path, but of course how can they do that? I would never listen to them. My father and I, did not have a good relationship. Most of the time, I was always crying. This goes back to me being dumb, getting into trouble, and being punished. I was so use to crying in front of my father that it became a routine. When I turned 16, that's when a lot of things changed. ME. I hated my life. I didn't know who I was or why I existed. Then I discovered art. I saw a painting in the Pasadena Norton Simon museum, 'bust of a woman' by Pablo Picasso. The painting was my reflection. I related to her facial expression, she looked lost. That's when I knew I love art. It was the first time I felt something. I felt alive. Then I went to art school and my life was getting better and better.

Since then, there were less arguing between me and my dad. I changed. He was waiting for me. My parents supported everything I did and I thank them for that. However, I still can't say I love you to my father without wanting to cry. The crying happens because I don't know how to act emotionally around him. Whenever I am emotional, it's because of all the arguing we had in almost my whole life. It just happens, even when I try not to.

Christmas of 2002, I wrote him a letter as a present. I told him that I loved him and I thank him for everything he has done for me. Where would I be if he wasn't so protective? Who would I be if he didn't teach me to be independent and take care of myself? My strength comes from him.

Our relationship is very quiet. We don't talk much. I'm positive that we NEVER had a deep conversation before. I think if we did, both of us probably can't take it (emotionally), and stop the conversation. We're too much alike: strong, reserved, doesn't like to show weakness. We talk about normal things, but never something deep. In my dream, there was barely any dialogue, but you can feel the love in the relationship...I think. You can feel that we loved each other, father and daughter.

I have seen my father cry 2 times in my life. One of those times was when his grandmother was dying. Third time I saw him cry was when I left United States to Nepal, at the airport, outside of the security gates. He knew I didn't want to come back. Since then, he cries at almost every Skype video call. Tonight, I skyped them. They told me they wanted to come to Vietnam in October to visit. This is one of the best news I've had since Stephaney came. My dad said he read the blog post shortly after I posted it. I asked him "Did you cry?" my dad changed the subject and continued to show me around the new house they moved into. After he put the laptop down, I asked again, this time my mom answered "YEAH! He cries at night in bed, WAH! WAH! WAH! I want to know why you didn't dream about me!" We were all laughing.

I hope they come.

A Story for my Dad

I'm walking on a dirt road by myself, I'm carrying a small backpack, wearing boots, a scarf wrapped around my head, and wearing sunglasses. I must be in traveling mode and finding a village to stay for a while. It's mid-day I think, hot, but not humid. I see a trail off the road into the woods and I look up and see a hill pass. I guess I wanted to go over it, so I take the trail off the road up the hill.

There are trees everywhere, they fill around me more and more where I have to take out a machete to cut off the branches. (I have a machete?) So I'm cutting my way out of the woods Crocodile Dundee style and I see a clear valley coming up. I break away, put the machete away in my backpack, and walk up a hill. I get to a cliff and I stop to look at the view.

"Very nice view," I turn around and there's my dad. He's standing behind me and looking at the same direction I was looking at. He has his hand over his eyes so the sun doesn't reflect off his glasses. He's wearing a red and black checkered button-up shirt, blue jeans, and white sneakers. His hair is very gray, but he still looks the same, a 6ft asian dad with a beer belly. I smile at him while he's looking around. He then looks at me and puts his arm around my neck and kisses me on the cheek. He pats me on the back and pulls me away from the cliff and we continue walking up the hill. I worry about him walking, I don't think he can handle a trek like this, it isn't flat, mainly up-hill rocks and dirt. But I'm remembering that this is a dream. My dad is like Superman. He's jumping over puddles, tip-toeing across a log over a stream, climbing boulders without sweating or huffing and puffing like a former smoker.

"Where's Mom?" I ask him.

"She's in China, visiting Po Po, (Po-Po=Grandmother) Mom told me to come with you."

"That's good."

We continue silent walking, my dad jumps high over a stream. He lands perfectly on the other side, turns around, waiting to watch me jump. I take a few steps back, run, and jump. I land right in the middle of the stream, water all over me, and my boots soaked. My dad is laughing his ass off. Hearing his laugh again makes me smile. I stomp out of the stream and I tell him to shut up. He pats me on the back, catching his breath, takes off his glasses to wipe his laughing tears.

"I think this is the top." He says. I look further up and he's right, we're at the top. We stop around a few boulders. I take out my water bottle and I give it to him. He takes 3 big gulps and hands it back to me. I lay on my backpack and I see my dad sitting with one leg crossed over the other. His hands are resting on his crossed leg, he's looking at the view, smiling. I rest my head back and put my scarf over my eyes to nap for a few minutes.

After a few minutes, I hear him say "Mei, I'm gonna go now." I say "okay," and I hear his foot steps walking away. After a few more minutes, I lift my scarf up, and he's gone. I pick up my backpack and I start walking again.

I miss you. Mom too.

"I am here to search for beauty"

(disclaimer: emo) I recently met a Brazilian traveler that I connected with very deeply. The title of this post was quoted by him and I loved how he said it. I have a hard time explaining how I see 'beauty' in the world. Like my left arm tattoo; a beautiful world. Originally, I wanted it to say We live in a beautiful world, inspired by Coldplay's 'Don't Panic.' But it was like 4 lines long in Tibetan script and I had to trim it shorter. Anyways, he's the first person that I met that sees it the same way as I do.

If you take out the madness, the hate, the things that man has made for the world to be corrupt...and just look at where we live. It's so beautiful. If you have never cried (not baby-balling crying, but just enough to shed a tear) at seeing something beautiful, then I feel sorry for you. Not happiness or fullfillment when you see something beautiful, that doesn't count, I mean...real crying.

My first experience of crying beauty, I was 19 years old in China, I can't remember what city or what temple I was in. But when I walked in, there was a 30 ft (10 m) golden Buddha. Around him were hundreds of smaller golden Buddhas, or Gods, or other statues. They had intricate carvings and extravagant facial expressions, but they were all around me. It felt like I was inside an egg and these statues were alive, enclosing on me. The interior art of the temple overwhelmed me, to the point where I was crying, I was balling my eyes out cause I never seen anything like it.

Another story, I was in Kathmandu, Nepal. It was Nepali New Years, myself and other volunteers walked around a hill near our house that had a stoupa on top. At the entrance, there were stairs that led to the stoupa, there were thousands of lit candles everywhere. There were monks everywhere and people handing me candles whenever I was empty-handed. Being a part of something so sacred, cultural, and meaningful...I thought I would never see something like it again. That's when I realized that simple things can affect me.

Nepal.

Back to the traveler I met. He told me a couple emotional incidents where he felt the same way. He told me a story from Thailand and Cambodia, but I won't share the story because it isn't mine to tell it. Anyways, I told him a humbling story of some Indian village girl being nice to me and giving me candy and rupees because I didn't have any to give her. He asked me later "How can we find this beauty? And how can it find us?" I thought about it for a little and replied "We can't find it, it finds us. But, we have to step out of our bubble first, being away from it, far away, and then it finds us." He had an interesting way of guiding himself in his trip and even though I'm on the same passage as he is, I am still surprised and inspired by him. There are other people in this world trying to find beauty, looking for the answer which we never asked the question, and we still change.

I 'found' myself a long time ago during my solo Europe trip so I'm not looking for answers on why I exist in this world. I'm here because I want to be here, I know what I want to do with my life, I know how to make myself happy. I believe the world is beautiful, I don't care if you don't agree, but I will have to say that it's because you haven't seen it yet.

Your soul mate can be your best friend

I'm lucky. So is Stephaney. (yeah yeah, same name) We've known each other for 20 years. We went to different high schools, different colleges, different countries, yet...our friendship is still strong. This is what I needed, all of my travels were with people I met, but I never spent it with someone I knew well and cared for.

I met up with her in Saigon (South Vietnam). I emailed her to meet me at the hotel I picked. I knew she would arrive around 11pm, I was an excited little puppy and couldn't wait in the room, I had to stand outside of the hotel to wait for her. Numerous of taxis went by and I saw a taxi pull over near me but I saw within the tinted windows there was a group inside the car...Stephaney can't be in that car I thought, but who do I see come out? Stephaney looking confused. It's HER!

First day in Saigon, we went to the history museum, reunification palace, and met up with my friend Margie whom is a volunteer that I always wanted to meet. That night we went on a night bus to Phnom Penh, Cambodia. On the bus Stephaney was whining about her Vietnam visa, she said she made a mistake by getting a single entry on her visa, so...that means she had to get a new visa after we're done with Cambodia, back to Vietnam. Sooooo...that means she only used 1 day on her visa...I couldn't help but chuckle (hence my bad luck with visas). In the morning we reached Chau Doc and from there we took a speed boat along the Mekong River (I think we slept the whole way). Arrived in Phnom Penh in the afternoon and looked for a cheap room to sleep in. We visited the national museum and per my request we went to the Killing Fields. I had to know more about the history of Cambodia. I learned a lot and I also felt a 'fullfillment' when I visited it. This is the 2nd time being in Cambodia for me and it was special. I was happy to be back and sharing this experience with someone I loved. Stephaney got to see my happiness being in Cambodia.

Took a day trip to Sihanoukville, 5 hours away from Phnom Penh, we got there in the afternoon and went straight to Serendipity beach, we got bombarded by sellers of bracelets, keychains, crab, fruit, necklaces, and threaders. Stephaney got her bottom legs threaded (hair pulled off (don't kill me Stephaney for mentioning this)) and I got 2 free bracelets from little girls. I think Stephaney and I took 50 improv photos of us jumping in the air catching the timer on her camera. I was surprised how tired we were after the 30th shot. Later in the evening caught a sleeper bus back to Phnom Penh, Steph's first time on a sleeper bus!

Sihanoukville, Cambodia

Next day was a bus to Siem Reap (my favorite place in the WORLD). When we got into our hotel we arranged a horse-back ride around the village. That was fun cause it was Steph's first time on a real horse, I liked mine because she was wild and crazy and tried bucking me off whenever we trotted, her name was Madonna. Temple day was great, the weather wasn't too bad. Last time I was in Siem Reap 3 years ago it was HOT. Thankfully it was cloudy. Stephaney said Angkor Wat was amazing, and I said "Yeah, it's OLD," touching one of the ruins with my finger. We had great posed photos around the ruins (America's Next Top Model Style). We also donated blood at the Jayavarman Children's Hospital, I donated blood there 3 years ago and had to do it again, I convinced Stephaney that it was safe and she did it with me. She isn't evil after all.

Ta Phrom temple, Cambodia

Arguement #1: On our way out of Angkhor Wat, Stephaney stopped by a stall that sold paintings. She asked how much a 30x10 painting was and the girl thought for a while and said "Thirty-hundred thousand dong," I knew she meant 300,000D ($15), so I corrected her English and said "You mean...three hundred thousand." Stephaney yelled at me "STEPHANIE!" and giving me a look to shut the fuck up, as if I was telling the woman we did want to buy it for 300,000D. I yelled back at Stephaney "I'm CORRECTING her English!" Stephaney tried to get away with 30,000D ($1.50), but either way if she did get it for 30,000D I would feel bad and be honest and say that we can't rip this girl off cause she's ignorant. I left cause Stephaney annoyed me and after 10 minutes I came back to the same painting stall and I see 10 locals surrounding her...what did Stephaney get herself into now?

Arguement #2: Stephaney was on holiday, she can spend whatever amount she wanted and had a good job back in Cali, so it didn't matter how much she spent. For me...I'm a total traveler-budget-on-a-shoe-string. We understood each others views but it was difficult to accept them. It was hard for her to bargain something that was $5 more than it should be, because it didn't matter to her, and it was hard for me to accept a $350 plane ticket from Siem Reap to Danang, Vietnam. I know Stephaney had a tight schedule and didn't want to waste time traveling for 2 days when we can get there in 2 hours. I was upset cause I didn't want her to spend that much money and also to pay for me, cause I would feel so guilty. She was annoyed because I should have been more appreciative that she would pay for me. We both had to adjust and we ended up meeting in the middle. We took a night bus to Saigon (slept on chairs that didn't recline in the BACK seat of the bus) and take a flight from Saigon to Danang. She saved about $600 and we got to Hoi An, Vietnam the same day. We were both happy with the outcome.

Arrived in Danang and took a taxi to Hoi An, Vietnam. We both loved it! It was a charming, cute, old town. Also Stephaney found a sweet hotel for $25 that had a pool, a bath tub (I haven't had a bath in over a year), with robes, and a balcony. I told her I felt like Cinderella, a poor girl that hasn't had any luxuries. She then looked in the closet and gasped, I said "Are there robes in there?" she responded "Yes, so now we can feel like REAL princesses!" AND we had a mosquito net around our huge bed with a mattress that was at least 7 inches thick! It was the softest bed I slept in so long.

Hoi An, Vietnam

We shopped and shopped, took a couple bicycles and rode to the nearest beach and relaxed. After we rode our bikes around the town, almost crashed into 3 motorcyclists, ate, drank, and explored. That night we reminisced about everything: unforgettable embarassing stories and funny moments. Next morning we woke up at 3:30am to catch out 4:45 am train from Danang to Hanoi, Vietnam (Stephaney was flying out of). Duration was 15 hours. Stephaney slept most of the way and I didn't, I always had a hard time sleeping on buses and trains.

Yes, I made a u-turn and Stephaney waited to take the perfect shot while I gaze.

I almost LOST MY BEST FRIEND. Seriously. All the bathrooms on the train were padlocked. So we had to get off the train and use the station bathrooms. Stephaney missed the last stop and waited for the next. We stopped at Vinh and she got off first to use the bathroom while I watched our belongings in the cabin. An old man came into our cabin and his berth was on top, he sat down and we had a weak Vietnamese conversation. At that moment I felt the train move, I looked out the window, and we were moving. The train was leaving the station! I freaked out and ran to the exit door and told the lady conductor that my friend got off to use the bathroom and wasn't back. We were in coach 12 and I ran through the hallways, pushed people out of my way to Coach 5 (the conductor wouldn't let me continue on) to see if Stephaney might have hopped on from the back of the train. I saw no black girl. I moped back to my cabin and the conductor asked if I saw her, I said no and sat down on the berth and conjured up ways how Stephaney could survive: She had her purse on her so she had money, she had a Vietnamese phrase book so she knew how to get around, she had my cell number to tell me she was okay. Another conductor walked by our cabin and the lady conductor told him what happened, he looked unconcerned and looked to his right, and pointed. The lady conductor screamed in delight and Stephaney walked in. Turns out that while Stephaney was passing by the train to the station, people were yelling at her to get back on the train because it was moving. Apparently she managed to get on the last coach of the train while it was moving, picked one of the locked doors and used the bathroom in one of the coaches that I might have passed by when looking for her.

Later on a boy came into our cabin and had the other top berth. His English was good and was translating between us and the old man. The old man told the boy something and the boy laughed. The boy said "He says that you both lost each other, but he could see the bond between your friendship because she was so scared, like an older sister." We were all laughing.

There was one special moment on the train before losing her: We passed by a rain storm, I could barely see outside of the window, and I could make out the mountains, valleys, and rivers. Stephaney was sleeping across of me, she was dead asleep. I crouched with my knees up to my chest and gazed out the window. Even though I couldn't completely see outside I knew it was still beautiful out there. I was thinking: When will I ever see her again? When will I share this experience with someone? Why would I go back to the States when I can have this adventure over and over? Why would I leave a country this beautiful? When will this be over? It was a good train journey.

Stephaney officially admitted that she likes Hanoi, better than Saigon, HA! Best way to explain the difference between Hanoi and Saigon, is San Francisco, CA (Hanoi) and Los Angeles, CA (Saigon). I'll always love L.A., but I love Hanoi. The past 2 weeks went by so fast. We didn't waste any time at all and made sure we did everything we could. I told her that I haven't drank beer and ate so much food in a long time. AND, she conformed me to buy a $5 fake Louis Vuitton wallet and to ride on a cyclo in Hanoi. Couple of the things that I vowed myself to never buy or do.

This has been the best trip I had by far and I have never laughed so much in a long time. Bon temps. I'm very thankful for Stephaney as a friend and her visiting me. I'm sure in the future we will share our stories about this trip and all the funny random moments.